The darkest moment

The darkest moment


In life, there are moments that, given a choice, we’d take back in a heart beat.  Moments that define our lives as before and after.  Moments that ultimately change the trajectory of our lives — good, bad or ugly.


Your moment won’t look like mine, but I’ll bet you have one.  A place you failed to represent Christ as you’d prefer.  A word spoken in haste that was misunderstood.  A gross error.  A terrible choice.  An action you can’t take back, which really doesn’t represent you but which can label you in a lighting fast moment.


I remember walking through a season of dark moments in such despair that huge, heaving sobs were the norm, eating was impossible and the song in my heart was so damaged and fragile it became non-existant.


How could redemption come out of the mess that swirled around me?  Could God use me anymore? Would He even want to?  If I had done all I could and the situation was still on fire, how could I go on?


I wallowed.  I despaired.  I was nearly lost.


In her upcoming book, “She’s Still There,” author Chrystal Evans Hurst whispers a gentle reminder…

“Your darkest moments are only a moment in time.”


I wish that truth had penetrated my heart during those days.  It probably wouldn’t have made the hard less so.  But it might have made hope seem more accessible. Tangible.  Because though my mess loomed so large in my life in those days, God still knew who I was.  My heart was transparent to Him.  He wasn’t planning to leave me, though I felt lonelier than I’d ever been.  He’d already promised unity long before a word prompted a firestorm.


One of the bravest things I’ve ever done was step out of the darkness.  To move forward. It hurt so much.  It broke hearts, mine included.  It was uncomfortable.  I had to fight my way through it.  I had to own it.  I had to own my story.

Owning your story

I won’t lie.  There are still days in which the old lies come back full force and the enemy seeks to take me back to that dark place.  It happens.  More than I’d like, if I’m honest.  But God is faithful.  And sometimes I just have to boss myself around.  In His strength, of course.

The mess feels like more than I can bear but God didn’t ask me to fight alone.

“Stop wallowing,” He encourages.

“Don’t hand out a victory to an undeserving enemy,” He cautions.

“Breathe.  And live.  Because You are mine,” He reminds.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now is springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”

                                           ~Isaiah 43: 18-19


Sometimes I forget that God is in the business of miracles.  Sometimes I forget that though flawed, I am (still) the apple of His eye.  Sometimes I forget it’s not up to me.  A thousand times I get it wrong, but God is still doing that new thing in my life.  And He’s patient about it.  He has time.


What dark moment do you need to shine Light into?  What season are you ready to let go of? Do you feel like you’re up for the challenge or is the girl inside you terrified and uncertain? Be on the lookout for Chrystal’s new book, launching August 8.  God promises us strength for the journey (Isaiah 40:29 NIV).  But we still have to take the first step, look our dark moments, our very life stories, in the eye, and say, “Thus far, the Lord has helped me (1 Samuel 7:12 NIV).”


Then, sisters, we raise an ebenezer and we charge forward!  We are strong in Jesus name!


It won’t be easy, but with God’s help it will be good.





Day 15: Doing life

31dayssquareaddressSo life.  It’s a funny thing.  As I think back over my life, especially the early years as a young wife and then mother, I wonder how I survived.  Especially the mom thing.  Shew.  It still amazes me that you have a baby and the doctors and nurses clean her up and send you on your way without a single clue in the world.

Talk about real life.  Taking that baby home is about as real as it gets.

At that time, I was really wrapped up in being essentially the perfect wife and mother.  I don’t mean that I tried to uphold the Proverbs 31 standard of a godly woman.  No.  I was striving for perfect.  As if that might heal me.

I was constantly knocking myself out to try and attain some imaginary standard.  Obviously I wanted to do right by my husband and baby daughter.  But I was a bit obsessive about it at times.

I may or may not have kept a spreadsheet of every calorie my daughter ingested as she began solid foods.

A spreadsheet, people!

Now look, there’s nothing wrong with keeping a spreadsheet of your kiddo’s food intake if that’s your thing.  But anyone who knows me well knows that spreadsheets make me break out in hives and lists give me a stomachache.  My brain isn’t organized to think in those terms….which I know is upsetting to those with logical thought processes, but yeah, it doesn’t work for me.

It got to the place where I realized life was slowly killing me.  It wasn’t a joyful life well-lived.  It felt more like a life sentence. And not in a good way.

And that’s when I got on my face and gave it over to Jesus.  Because as we all find out eventually, we simply can’t do it all on our own.  And that’s what I was trying to do.  Life on my own.   Kind of near Jesus, but not WITH Jesus.

The beauty of His promise is that he calls us to open ourselves up to him.  Fully. Completely.  Because he wants to do life with us.  Through us.  In us.

And that opens us up to just be ourselves in His presence.


In many ways these babies saved my lives…..they taught me so much about Jesus in ways I never expected.  We do life together in pretty amazing ways.  And I’ve given up on perfection, choosing to just embrace my imperfectness, knowing Jesus has got it.  I can just relax and be who He’s always wanted me to be.

This post is written in conjunction with the #Write31days Challenge and linked up with Kate Motaung’s Five Minute Friday crew here and Nester Smith’s friends here.

Day 13: Work, in its proper place….


My alarm goes off, my feet hit the floor and I’m off.  Usually at the speed of run and catch-up.  There are days where I’m pretty sure I meet myself coming and going.

As a mom, even one who “only” works part time, I’m busy.  There is always, always work to be done.  A friend may ask if I’ve finished all my work for the day and I laugh.

Because every mom knows the work never ends in a busy household.  There’s never going to be a day in which the laundry is caught up completely, no one needs any more food, all the supplies are 100% stocked, the piano is fully practiced, the cats are fed and cleaned up after, the homework is complete, the papers are signed, the cars have gas and I’ve peacefully spent enough time in my Savior’s presence.

Perfect doesn’t exist and work must be done.  It has it’s place and in this life, it’s reality.

But work can steal from us if we’re not careful.  It influences how we spend our time, our attitudes and even our finances.  If I’m not careful I can find my attitude towards my responsibilities becoming increasingly negative.

Even my work for the Lord.

Ouch.  But it’s true.  We can get to that place, can’t we?  It might mean we’re overcommitted with things at church; things that are all very good and truly important but perhaps not ALL things we need to take on as individuals.  And in our own personal walk, there are times when our quiet times are noisy due to the speed of life and our scripture reading ends up being one more block of time checked off our already overwhelmed to-do list.

Oswald Chambers says it this way:

“The greatest competitor of true devotion to Jesus is the service we do for him.  It is easier to serve than to pour out our lives completely for Him.”

These words are powerful, largely because they are ridiculously true.  It’s a whole lot easier for me to sign up for many responsibilities within our church than it is for me to get quiet, prioritize my time and get gut-level honest with Jesus.  I dislike admitting that, but there are seasons where I recognize how true it is.

When my to-do list is as long as my arm with work and chores that threaten to undo me, it’s a sure sign that my work/life balance is out of whack.  And when I’m feeling overwhelmed and out of sorts, the best place to go is to the foot of the cross.  And then, in that space of quiet moments spent with my Savior, I find rest.


This post is written in conjunction with the #Write31days Challenge and linked up with Kate Motaung’s Five Minute Friday crew here and Nester Smith’s friends here.